The seed does not hide intimate life. Marriage without sex

I sometimes come across a situation that is very strange for me, when parents do not hide their intimate life from their own children. Moreover, they even boast of such trusting relationships: here, they say, what kind of friends / girlfriends we are with my son / daughter - I don’t have any secrets from my child, and then he won’t have any from me later.

For example, my friend Natasha. She lives alone with a ten-year-old son, she divorced her husband when the child was 4 years old. She has her own apartment, a car, she makes very good money, and in general the woman is quite self-sufficient. She is not in a hurry to remarry, and by the nature of her activity she communicates mainly with men. Naturally, there are novels. And now Natasha leads each of her "romances" into the house. "Novels" stay overnight, some even for a week. Then they part (it must be said, not always peacefully and painlessly) and new "novels" take their place in Natasha's bed.
Uncle Sasha, Uncle Kolya and Uncle Valera are changing at the speed of light. In the short intervals between the next parting and the next meeting, these novels are vigorously discussed by Natasha and her friends in the same room where her son does his homework. Often, with intimate details from the series "He thinks I can't live without his fifteen centimeters" or "At his age, it's time to learn how to bring a woman to orgasm."
The boy, accustomed to this way of life, considers this the norm. Listens, shakes his mustache, grows up.
Natasha is proud of this state of affairs, believing that
a) complete mutual understanding and trust reign in her house, and she has no reason to lie to her own child, which means that the child will never lie to her;
b) a guy will enter adulthood without rose-colored glasses;
c) he knows about women's problems, understands that women's life is not so easy and, as an adult, will treat women with due respect.
It’s hard for me to understand why he suddenly starts to respect women, even if I, an overgrown aunt of not the most righteous behavior, don’t inspire respect for such women.
And further. I have some doubts about the fact that later he will be able to start a normal family. Although I may not be right.

Family. Mom, dad, seven year old son.
The child is present in all adult conversations. Guests come, sit in the kitchen, mom starts talking about contraception. The child is interested in what a "spiral" is. Mom begins to tell him in detail what it is, for what and where it is inserted. To the question of the guests "Why, actually ...?", He answers that he should know this. But is a seven-year-old boy really supposed to know such things? Children at this age are considered inferior if they do not know about the intrauterine device?
Dad, telling something to the guests, gave an example for comparison: "Well, it's like ecstasy without an orgasm." The child reacted with lightning speed and immediately began to figure out what "ecstasy" and "orgasm" are. Mom started to explain. No, I agree that a child should understand where children come from, but to know the difference between ecstasy and orgasm - is it necessary, at the age of seven? The logic of the parents is as follows: the child asked them a question and they are obliged to answer it, otherwise he will go to find out from his friends on the street and God knows what they will tell him. And besides, he will lose confidence in his parents and understand that they are hiding something from him, they are not telling him something, and therefore they are lying. And then he will hide, keep silent and lie himself.
No, my parents also sometimes profaned themselves and blurted out something in front of me that was not intended for my ears, and I, too, being an inquisitive girl, asked what this word meant, but for some reason it was enough for me to hear: "This is an adult word, I'll explain to you later." Two minutes later I forgot the word and the question disappeared by itself.
In addition, it seems to me that such questions would be asked by a child much less often if he did not hang out in the kitchen with an adult company, but built houses from a designer or read "Winnie the Pooh" in his room.
Parents believe that discussing such things is a natural thing, and there is nothing wrong with the fact that this happens in front of a child (“We don’t swear at all”). I know a number of other equally natural things: bowel movements, for example, or changing feminine sanitary napkins, or having sex. Is it necessary to invite the child to contemplate these processes as well?

I gave only two examples, the most striking, in my opinion. However, there are actually many more of them. Discussing intimate life in the presence of children is considered by many to be "for granted". The so-called "adult" topics, which in my family, my parents, were kept behind the closed door of the bedroom in a whisper and were a secret for me with seven seals, practically did not remain.
In connection with all of the above, I want to ask: what do you think about this? My point of view, I think, is clear from the post, so it makes no sense to convince me, but I would be interested to know your opinion. Do you think this state of affairs is correct and why? And do you really think that such children will not have any secrets from their parents in the future?

EVEN THE MONKEYS UNDERSTAND IT

To begin with, a scientific parable - in the subject, as they say. From the sex life of gorillas. Behind them - one male and five females - biologists have been watching for several years. And they noticed: some representatives of the weaker monkey sex often and persistently offer sex to the male, depicting an extreme degree of readiness. At the same time, the one who is already pregnant is the most active - she clings to her "husband" - the father of her unborn child. Why, one wonders, if the goal has already been achieved and the continuation of the family is ensured? And then, it turns out that the male is not distracted by other females. According to scientists, such behavior became a harbinger of monogamy in humans.

Salt of the parable: even monkeys understand that the male needs sex, that he strengthens the family. But some human females do not understand this.

"TIRED - HEAD HURT - WANT TO SLEEP"

“Sexless” is the term used by psychologists to designate a disgusting phenomenon that has struck both Western and Russian society. Namely, the lack of regular sexual intercourse between spouses. It happens, of course, that husbands also deprive their wives of intimate attention. But women are more often denied intimacy. And men, tormented by their libido, hear: "I'm tired - my head hurts - I want to sleep." Or quite offensive: “Where did you go ?!”

If a wife constantly refuses a man, and, mind you, normal, take my word for it, for no reason, then this humiliates a man, - someone Sasha expresses the most common emotion, writing on the KP forum. He also offers a solution to the problem - also very popular:

I went to meet my wife. And relieved her of his desires for intimacy with her. She doesn't even have to come up with reasons to refuse now. I give my tenderness to the one who wants it.

And we have complete harmony, - Maria shares her experience. He doesn't want to, and I don't need to.

But what if the husband still loves his wife? If he is devoted and conscientious? He wants only her. Dreaming of real sexual harmony? Suffering. Tormented by guesswork. There are a lot of them, trust me. How to be here?

Psychologists have found the answer. But you won't believe how simple and straightforward it is.

YOU REJECTED ME THREE TIMES THIS IS YOU

An amazing experiment was conducted by a sex therapist from Australia, Bettina Arndt. She asked 98 men and women (spouses) to keep anonymous diaries of their intimate lives for a year. And tell them the truth. Once she got what she wanted, the researcher wrote an entire book, Why Women Quit Sex and Other Bedroom Battles.

Reading other people's revelations, Bettina did not make a shocking discovery, discovering that there are many reasons. And they are usually different for everyone. But I did come across a few common ones.

First: most wives for some reason believe that sex should be only when, there and the way they want. But at the same time, they do not convey their thoughts to their husbands. And they just refuse. Like, he should understand. And he, the goat, does not understand. And climb. And offended even then.

In other words, wives make husbands guilty of untimely harassment. And they themselves are offended by them - such is the female logic. And this resentment, in turn, becomes a reason for refusal ...

The result is sexless that gets worse over time.

Second: the wife holds some kind of spite against her husband, even a very small one: for example, she didn’t take out the garbage, didn’t ask how she was at work, her mother-in-law said nasty things. And, pouting, "punishes" the deprivation of intimacy. But again, he doesn't tell the reason for the sex strike. They are silent as hell. Further - see above.

But even saying those very notorious “tired, my head hurts, I want to sleep,” many women omit the details. Or maybe they really had a hard day at work. And they are so preoccupied with her that there is not even a place in their head for thoughts about sex.

Conclusion: the bedroom is not a battlefield for psychics, and husbands are not quick-witted telepaths. They need to be explained in detail. And do not bring the matter to deep resentment.

DO NOT NEED ROMANCE, BETTER IMMEDIATELY IN BED

Mrs. Arndt herself was shocked by something else in her diaries. It turned out that all the common advice that psychologists love to give is no good. Add romance to a relationship, have a heart-to-heart talk, go to theaters and restaurants with your wife, send your children somewhere, visit a sex therapist, finally watch porn together ... All this is nonsense. Works only in very rare cases.

“I love my wife,” someone Igor writes to us on the forum, in fact, confirming the conclusion of the Australian researcher. - I want a wife all the time, although we have been together for 20 years. And she didn't tell me. And all the talk on this topic does not give anything. She doesn’t go to the doctor: “I’m not sick.” Physically healthy - porn turns on her, but knowing this, she doesn't allow her to turn it on. And nothing helps: we go on holidays, go to restaurants, and go to dances - romance is more than enough ... "

Bettina Arndt explains that passion, and even elementary lust, which pushes the newlyweds into each other's arms, cannot last forever. And even more so, it manifests itself equally in both spouses. Yes, even after many years. The production of the sex hormones responsible for it - passion - fades away in about 18 months.

The researcher has found the most primitive production enhancer - sex.

But how can one “treat” with sex, if it is just not there?! Very simple, says the researcher. I can't through. Through "tired - my head hurts - I want to sleep."

A woman must realize the perniciousness of sexless, understand how painful it is for a loving husband, destructive for a family. And do not refuse - always agree when the husband asks. Unless, of course, she had an attack of appendicitis.

By the way, Arndt learned from the diaries: there are a lot of women who, going to bed with their husbands, do not feel any sexual urges. But, suddenly succumbing to the pressure of touches, they suddenly feel that the corresponding excitement begins to rise. And the process ends up going well.

The secret of happy couples is that they just do it, says a stunned researcher from faraway Australia.

Maybe for Russia such a simple secret will do?

AND AT THIS TIME

The third is not superfluous if he is a hypnotist

Italians sexless brought almost to shamanism. Namely - to hypnosis, with the help of which they try to influence wives who have declared a sexual strike. According to the newspaper La Repubblica, 8 million people aged 18 to 65 have already applied to the services of hypnotists. And if she - the newspaper - is believed, then it helps many. And much faster than psychoanalysis.

In some mysterious way, hypnotists (for 10 sessions, 80 euros each) manage to awaken the former sexual disposition of the wives-refuseniks towards their husbands. So, somewhere in the subconscious, it still remains. And this is reassuring.

HIGH SCIENCE

And the pills won't hurt

It must be understood that the wife who has become ill with libido will be the first to refuse her husband. Gone. And this, perhaps, is the thick root of all problems. And one of the probable reasons for the loss - purely biological - was discovered by Katherine Esposito from the Second University of Naples (Second University of Naples).

The researcher knew that men with high cholesterol had lower libido. At least due to the fact that fatty plaques constrict blood vessels and interfere with normal blood flow to the genitals. Do women have similar problems? Ms. Esposito decided to check it out. Examined patients with normal and elevated cholesterol levels. And the harsh truth was revealed to her: in the latter, suffering from the so-called hypercholesterolemia, the ability to be sexually aroused was extremely reduced.

However, "abnormal", according to the researcher, can be treated. Medically. By means of drugs that block the work of the enzyme necessary for the production of cholesterol in the liver. A group of such substances is called statins. This is how they should be accepted. Naturally, after consulting with a doctor and making sure that the cholesterol level is really elevated.

Unfortunately, many married couples face difficulties in intimate life, and some husbands complain that their wives are completely untempered. And yet, it is important to note that this is a rather rare case when a woman herself has a rather low sexual activity. It often happens that husbands who consider their wife cold or almost frigid are surprised to learn that she has a lover. Why does this happen, and how can it be avoided?

Why a woman does not want a man - the most common reasons

So, consider the most obvious cases due to which a woman can avoid intimacy with her partner.

You've been together for too long, feelings have cooled

You have been together for more than a month and the former fuse, of course, has already been left behind. Some couples, even after several years of living together, maintain passion in their intimate relationships and “warm up” each other’s feelings, but for this you need to have a mutual desire, constantly show imagination and initiative - for many people this is almost overwhelming work. And yet it is important to note that even if you have been together for a long time, no extravaganza is happening in your relationship, and you are not doing anything in order to correct this state of affairs, this does not mean at all that everything is lost for your relationship. If you still live under the same roof, then you have a chance to rectify the situation. Remember that life and habit have become enemies for harmony in the relationships of many couples, and this can be changed if desired.

Wife is pregnant or has not passed away after a recent birth

The period of expectation of a baby and the first months of life often becomes a happy time in the life of most couples. And yet, during these months, many spouses are forced to face some restrictions in intimate life. Not every husband treats this situation with understanding and patience, which gives rise to conflicts in the family and repels the woman even more. Note that during pregnancy, abstinence from sex is not a whim of a woman, but a serious recommendation from a doctor! You can prove as much as you like that a colleague and his wife did not change the quality of intimate life with the onset of pregnancy, but do not forget that each organism is individual, and in contrast to your story, a wife can tell how her friend ended up in a hospital bed after sexual contact with husband. Sometimes, indeed, a woman can refuse intimacy with her husband, even without the guidance of a gynecologist. Perhaps she intuitively feels that this will not have the best effect on pregnancy and be afraid for the child (forgive her this suspiciousness, she wants it to be the best), or her libido has decreased, and she really just does not want sex to disgust. The second option, indeed, is common among many pregnant women, and they cannot do anything about it.

All the forces of the spouse are taken by the family or work

The wife is so tired at work or doing family affairs that she simply does not have physical strength left for the intimate sphere of life. There are women who manage to do everything in the world and feel great, almost never sitting down for a minute during the day. Often such energetic persons grow out of hyperactive girls. And yet, do not forget that it is not for nothing that most women are considered weak and fragile creatures for a reason. Of course, this does not mean that they do not need to do anything at work and at home so that their husband can periodically enjoy sex with them, but still, often they are really forced to take on responsibilities that they cannot afford.

Which families usually face this problem? Option one: in the morning, the wife goes to work, where she spends the bulk of the day, performing her work duties. She comes home at about the same time as her husband (even if a little earlier). After work, she goes to the stove, cooks dinner, does chores around the house, checks on the child's homework, or does anything else that doesn't look like just sitting on the couch. What is your husband doing after work? He rests, believing that his wife is engaged in quite easy "women's duties." After resting and gaining strength after a working day, a man is ready for sexual exploits, while his life partner dreams of only one thing - sleep. Some husbands are indignant that sex is not work, “lie down and have fun,” and yet a woman thinks so - whatever one may say, at least some physical activity must be shown. If a woman is very tired during the day, then thoughts of intimacy do not excite her at all, and the most pleasant picture that she can imagine is taking a hot bath and a sweet dream.

You have ceased to be an attractive macho for her.

Your appearance has changed significantly since the first dates with your wife. And we are not talking about natural age-related changes - gray hair or wrinkles. Surely, you know examples of how, with age, some men, on the contrary, acquire a special attraction for women. Many celebrities can serve as an example, including Robert Downey Jr., George Clooney, Tom Cruise and others. These men did not spit on themselves, and still remain the heroes of women's dreams. Can you say that you look sexy and alluring to the opposite sex (not just your wife)? Some people, both men and women, having entered into marriage, stop monitoring their appearance, believing that since they have found their other half, they no longer need to attract the attention of other potential partners. This is a big mistake, because if you stopped taking care of yourself, then, for sure, you lost your attractiveness not only for other women, but also for your spouse.

The wife often remains unsatisfied after sex

Some women tell their spouse about this right at the beginning of a relationship or at a time when the quality of their sexual life with him begins to deteriorate. If a man does not pay due attention to this problem, then over time, having lost hope that the situation may change, the wife stops expressing her claims or hinting at them, and instead simply tries to avoid intimacy, not feeling satisfied from her. Note that if a woman does not get real pleasure from sex with some man, then she considers such a pastime with him to be just wasted time. For the first months or even years, the wife may not show it, but later it will become increasingly difficult for her to hide her disappointment and irritation.

The wife has a lover

This is the saddest development of events that can be for you in this situation. Of course, it is quite difficult to justify a woman who has decided to have a connection on the side, but still you should not shift the responsibility in this situation solely to the partner. Think well, can it be that in some way you are also to blame for the fact that your wife has a lover? Were you both satisfied with the quality of your marital sex life; Did you give your wife the attention she needed? Have you yourself been seen in the past in any affair on the side? Did you create an unbearable emotional atmosphere in the house, as a result of which the wife could begin to look for an outlet on the side? Can you tell that she looked like a really happy woman next to you? Give yourself honest answers to these questions.

If the wife nevertheless has a lover, then this fully explains why she avoids intimacy with you. In the case of infidelity, men and women behave differently. A man can be spurred on by his affair on the side, as a result of which intimate life with his wife becomes richer and more diverse. Women act in a completely different way - often they focus their attention on only one man. In this case, we are talking about a lover. Having received from a new partner what she lacked in marriage, a woman can sincerely fall in love with this man and even believe that by having sex with her husband, she is cheating on “her man”.

Be that as it may, if a woman nevertheless decided to take this step, you have low chances to improve relations in the family, and, most likely, for a number of reasons, in the end you still have to disperse.

What to do if the wife refuses intimacy with her husband

Of course, such behavior on the part of the spouse cannot be unreasonable. Try to figure out what exactly dictated the wife's reluctance to enter into intimacy with you. In fact, there may be several options.

Find out the reasons for not wanting to sleep together

The easiest way to clarify this question is to ask your wife directly. Pick a good time to talk. This conversation should not start when you or your spouse are irritated or either of you is feeling tired. In this state of affairs, most likely, either a scandal or a crumpled and completely unproductive conversation awaits you. It would be most appropriate to invite your spouse to a romantic dinner, and raise your concern in a relaxed atmosphere. Please note that your conversation should not look like an interrogation with an addiction - in this way, you only risk ruining the evening. After a glass of wine, seeing that the wife is relaxed and happy in the evening, offer to talk about what is bothering you. Immediately explain that you are not making a claim to her, but simply want to understand in which direction you should move in order for your family life to become better and suit both of you. If the spouse is not in the mood for a conversation, do not put pressure on her and do not show aggression. Close the topic, and don't let this evening end badly. Undoubtedly, the wife will appreciate such a step, and next time she will be more open with you.

Take on all the responsibilities of a man

Often the reasons why a woman refuses to have sex with her husband lie on the surface, but the man simply does not want to notice them, quite rightly not seeing the connection between a broken refrigerator and his wife's unwillingness to have intimacy. And yet, it is useful for many husbands to know that if they refuse to take on men's duties with enviable regularity, delaying the solution of the problem as much as possible, then, sadly, the woman ceases to see him as a man. As a result, this extends to other spheres of life - not only household ones. As soon as you begin to monitor the health of the appliances in the house, do not shy away from the requests of your wife and your obvious duties, you will begin to notice how the attitude of the spouse gradually begins to change. As a result, the solution to your problem may be much easier than you think.

Help her in everyday life and with children

For some time now, it has become so customary that some families (mainly at the suggestion of a man) have divided responsibilities into male and female. what does it usually look like? A man once a season nails a nail and repairs a junk TV, and a woman devotes several hours of her life every day to cleaning, cooking, washing, ironing, doing homework with children, and the like. This situation is tolerable when a woman is in the status of a housewife, and a man is the only breadwinner in the family. Nevertheless, such situations often occur in families where the husband and wife work almost on an equal footing, only now the husband rests after work, and the wife "steps into the second shift." Over time, a woman begins to understand that it is very difficult for her in such a marriage, and she begins to think about divorce as a “liberation”. For many men, such a problem seems far-fetched, and in the meantime, more and more women feel unhappy and tired, and, accordingly, in this position it is quite difficult to inflame passion for a spouse.

Let her feel that she is loved and desired.

Let the beloved woman, being next to you, feel that she once married yours for a reason, and now she is just as desirable for you as at the very beginning of the relationship. How to achieve this? First of all, do not forget about the compliments that many husbands eventually begin to neglect in family life. Pay attention if your wife has a new hairstyle or just styled her hair in an unusual way; if she smells of pleasant perfume; talk about how beautiful her smile, eyes are (this is nice to hear not only at the initial stages of dating). In general, compliment not only her culinary skills, as is often the case in marriage - “Borscht was especially successful today”, “The meat was well baked”, “What a magnificent pie!” and so on - but also her looks. Even if you do not notice any special changes in your wife, say nice words to her - this can be a great motivation for her to become better and more beautiful, because she will know that "her husband notices."

Give compliments and give flowers

Compliments have already been mentioned, but this is exactly the topic that requires particularly close attention, and it should be remembered not in passing, but well understood - it is really very important for a woman to hear words of admiration from a man. Have you ever thought about how a lover usually appears in the life of a woman? Often it looks like this: the wife is tired of everyday life and has not felt the attention and delight from her husband for a long time. All their topics come down to children, products, cleaning. taking out the garbage, repairing and other topics devoid of any romance. Then a “little miracle” happens in the woman’s life: a certain man tells her that she has luxurious hair or “cornflower blue” eyes. From that moment on, she begins to think about these words, about this man - she remembers that she is not only a caring mother, spouse and mistress, but also a woman who can evoke romantic thoughts in a man. If she has enough romance and family life, then she will simply pass by her ears any characteristic of her smile, eyes and melodic laughter.

Give flowers to your beloved woman, make unusual surprises for her, talk about how she is loved and desired, pay attention to changes in appearance, express delight, say kind words, and you will become the best man for her, which is impossible not to desire.

Pleasantly surprise her in bed with new caresses or poses

Over time, the performance of marital duty for many couples becomes somehow mechanical. Everything goes according to the “knurled scheme”, and takes a minimum amount of time or looks pretty monotonous. Each sexual intercourse is similar to the previous one, and practically does not cause any trepidation, both for the husband and the wife. You are quite capable of correcting this situation. Please note that new experiments should not be started when the wife falls down after a hard day's work. It is best to arrange a romantic evening for the two of you, relax with a glass of wine, “warm up” a woman with affectionate words, and only then get down to business.

This evening, make yourself an installation - first of all, you want to please your wife in bed. Surely, during your married life, you managed to study the erogenous zones of your beloved. Now you can experience new caresses in these areas, having previously watched an erotic film (choose a project that is popular with a female audience). You can also read relevant literature or ask your beloved if she has any fantasies about this. Experiment with the position, but this night should not be like a beginner acrobat's course - you should not try many innovations at a time, in such conditions it is quite difficult for a woman to concentrate and begin to enjoy the process.

What does Orthodoxy say about this?

The Orthodox Church encourages the fulfillment of marital duty - this is a natural phenomenon between loving spouses. It is also worth noting that the church classifies adultery as a sin and, therefore, treats them negatively. In addition, any priest will tell you that it is better to refrain from intimacy during fasting, although there are no strict instructions on this matter either - such abstinence should be a mature decision of a husband and wife, which is not dictated by fear of punishment.

• Talk to each other. Most problems are completely solved when the husband and wife begin to talk about them with each other, and try to find the best compromise. The conversation, of course, should not take place in a raised voice - it is important to choose the right time for dialogue, without putting pressure on your partner, without expressing your displeasure and irritation, but sincerely trying to understand what are the ways to solve an unpleasant situation.
• A change of scenery. In many families, problems begin due to the fact that relationships are mired in everyday matters, and cease to differ in any variety. Until you reach the “boiling point”, it is best to change the disgusting environment and forget about your home and work responsibilities for a while, devoting your attention exclusively to each other. The easiest way to do this is on vacation - allow yourself at least a short trip (weekend), and make such outings your family tradition - this will only affect marriage in a positive way. Go on tours that suit both of you - otherwise the trip can become another reason for a quarrel. Example: the husband loves a quiet beach holiday, and the wife loves to go to museums and exhibitions, but the choice is made in accordance with the preferences of only one of the parties.
• Notice your mistakes. Many families are faced with misunderstandings in relationships and cooling of feelings, due to the fact that they are trying to shift the blame for a collapsing family on the shoulders of a partner. If you notice this feature behind you, then you should seriously reconsider your views. Do not think about how bad your partner is, and how many difficulties have arisen in your marriage solely because of him. It is much more productive to start solving the problem with yourself. Think about what you can do for your marriage, for your other half, so that the atmosphere in the family improves. The partner, noticing that you put pressure on him and do not demand "feats", but instead are trying for the good of the family, will surely be able to draw the right conclusions for himself and begin to take an example from you.

There is no closeness. How to save a marriage? Part 2

Hello dear blog readers! What to do if in family no sex? Read the beginning of this article about what a truce in the family is in the first part.So, what to do if the situation in your family becomes unbearable?

Not intimate lifebetween husband and wife, they do not talk to each other, and issues that arise from time to time are resolved exclusively in raised tones. Irritation, silence, endless criticism will never lead to a positive outcome.

Because each of the spouses has long been living on its own.

Is it possible to return love and save a marriage?

Of course, only on condition that both spouses still have the same feelings, even if they are hidden somewhere deep in their hearts.

When a woman closes in herself, she continues to speak, but not out loud, but to herself. If a man heard her internal monologues, he would be very surprised how much he does not know about his soulmate.

By the way, it would never occur to a man to have such conversations that no one hears. Because they have a different logic, and they do not look at the world the way women do.

A husband, if everything is not in order in the family, does not think much about anything, he just feels that his wife does not need him. And the wife closed a long time ago, went into her own world. She has to learn to live, suppressing the fear of the unknown.

She experiences a lot of emotions, among which not the last place is anger and resentment.

Therefore, as soon as both spouses conclude a truce, a new stage begins in their relationship.

Make a joint decision that all the negative is left behind, and do not think about it anymore. Such a truce is a very important step, because it is your common decision.

The next thing you need to do is sit down and have a frank conversation.

Why is it so important? During such a frank conversation, you will destroy all the barriers that have been erected for a long time. Negative emotions will begin to lose strength, and not feed your anger and resentment.

If the problem is not found, then it cannot be solved. During a conversation, everything that you have accumulated comes out, because you will express mutual claims against each other.

Don't think that such a conversation will be easy. Both of you will need to reveal all the secrets and express all claims.

It is likely that tears will flow, but this is even good, because they will help you wash away the negativity, and it will already be pointless to remember past grievances.

An 80-year-old grandfather complains to the doctor: "I have tinnitus after sex ... What is it?"

Doctor: "That's applause!"

In the process of this conversation, which can be called therapy, the husband and wife need to determine what they both lack.

For example, understand three specific points.

The husband, of course, among the main claims will immediately indicate the lack of sex. He believes that sex is very good, it is an integral part of married life, and, among other things, there should be a lot of it.

When there is no sex, a man understands that they simply don’t want him, and accordingly, they don’t like him. He immediately feels superfluous, unhappy and depressed. The tension that he accumulates day after day leads to screams and anger.

The wife will not like criticism against her and the fact that she is not praised, complimented or given gifts. After all, she is not a servant who has to feed everyone, clean up and wash after everyone, right?

If a woman does not talk about love, then she will automatically begin to think that she is no longer loved and that all family life has become meaningless! She seems to be carrying a load of worries and that's it!

But it was not for this that a woman got married and she did not dream of such a life.

Of great importance are the characters of both spouses. For example, sanguine people are more simple about everything, but a melancholic woman will think too much and imagine all sorts of horrors in her head.

After a frank conversation that you will have, you need to calm down a little so that emotions subside, and then “smoke” the peace pipe again.

Husband and wife must definitely have a new conversation, but prepare for it thoroughly.

What will be the subject of this conversation?

It's very simple. Both, but separately, need to write down the wishes and clearly define what they want.

If the first conversation pulls out mutual claims and grievances, now you just need to write down ten points on a piece of paper. There may be fewer of them, but it is necessary to write them down. It is recommended to do this in different rooms so as not to distract each other. And then sit down next to each other and exchange your notes.

That is, your piece of paper will be intended for your spouse, and he will write down his wishes for you on his piece of paper.

Moreover, the first three points should state the most basic wishes, that is, the main ones. And the rest may be secondary.

For example, a wife wants to receive small gifts in order to feel that she is still loved. She does not like it when her husband falls asleep immediately after sex and does not say anything to her. There can be many claims and they are all individual.

Husband wants to be picked up after work. Indeed, in some families, no one even comes out to see who has come home. Shouted "hello" from the back room, not looking up from the computer or phone, and okay. And a man demands attention in the same way as a woman.

If you do not like that no one meets you, you need to write about it in the form of a wish.

Any person, if he feels himself useless, begins to withdraw into himself and be offended. To prevent this from happening in the future, talk to each other more often.

Train yourself not to hold grudges, but to bring them out for discussion. It is easier to extinguish a spark of discontent than to put out a raging quarrel later.

If there have always been quarrels in your family, then they should be replaced with a positive dispute.

You can argue, but calling names, insulting and shouting is completely unacceptable to do.

Do not forget that children feel how parents treat each other. If there is a gulf between husband and wife, then the first to suffer is your child.

Don't be scared if you start arguing about something, because arguing is a healthy part of a relationship. Argument exists to settle all disagreements. You just don't have to fight about it. To argue correctly and achieve a positive result, this also needs to be learned.

Why else is it so important to write on paper what you would like to receive from your husband (or wife)?

Sometimes one of the spouses or even both (depending on the types of character) do not want to seem weak if they are asked about something. And if you write your wishes, then this can in no way be regarded as a manifestation of weakness.

It’s good if the list you will be working on has at least ten items. There are main wishes, there are secondary ones, but they are all very important for your family life.

A separate item should be sex and everything connected with it. Moreover, this paragraph will definitely have a few more subparagraphs, you can’t do without it.

A real hunt is when he wants to, and she wants to! This is the hunt!!!

And when through the woods with a gun - it's like .... shooters.

The conversation on this topic should be frank, during this conversation you should figure out together with your spouse what you like and what you don’t. And be sure to listen to the wishes of the partner. If this is not done, then you will not solve the problem with intimate life.

Otherwise, it will be very difficult for you to understand your partner in life, and sex as such may completely disappear or be reduced to a minimum. I wrote about this situation in the article “Intimate life. 100 day marathon!

As soon as you exchange your wish lists, read them carefully and discuss them immediately to avoid misunderstandings. If you have expressed your claims, then the husband may not even understand what you want from him. Therefore, your clarifications on each item will definitely be required.

When a wife receives a letter of wishes from her husband, she should not be offended. It is recommended to approach this issue as positively as possible, without jumping to past grievances, which women are so good at doing.

If you are going to argue, be sure to lower the tone of the conversation by half and smile more. Remember to look at each other and straight into the eyes so as not to quarrel, as has happened many times already.

Sometimes one glance is enough to make all the words completely unnecessary. It's hard to believe, but in some families, the husband and wife do not look at each other at all, they constantly look away. But during the truce, you need to sit side by side and calmly figure out what is wrong in your relationship and how you can turn the family ship so that you fall in love with each other again.

The first thing that happens after such a family council is that both of you will immediately feel better. You no longer have to waste energy on anger and endless quarrels. Hatred takes a lot of strength and energy from a person, completely depriving him of the joy of life. Anger sucks your strength, especially if it is directed at a close and once so much loved person.

Sometimes intimate life returns immediately after such a conversation, but sometimes it takes more time. Family will remain strong, because the gap between husband and wife will disappear without a trace. Even if your relationship is bad, don't give up, start working on it together. Do your best every day to speak a little softer, once again come up and take the hand, do something nice.

No more punishing each other with silence or absence sex, it's all in the past.

And most importantly - share your thoughts and feelings, become more open with your partner, do not withdraw into yourself and do not get angry. Touch each other more often, hug, kiss. And gradually, both of you will begin to notice that love begins to return and fills your whole life.

While the woman talked about the life of her family, her husband scowled at the toes of his shoes and seemed completely uninterested in what his wife was talking about. The woman shared that her children are winners of the championships, that she is exhausted, trying to have time to take them to all the circles, that while each of her sons is in class, she rushes to the grocery store. But he does not appreciate, does not notice, does not take part ... She looked tired and twitchy. Hair roots that have not been dyed for a long time, the lack of a manicure - she does not have the opportunity to devote time to herself. The husband looked different. A neat haircut, a pleasant aroma of high-quality toilet water, stylish jeans. And then she suddenly burst into tears and said: “He at least gave me a flower for all these years ... I’m getting very tired. I don't have my own life. Children constantly require my attention. I just feel like I can’t go on like this anymore…”

It was a long and difficult conversation, which happens when a huge abyss of mutual misunderstanding, resentment, and reproaches has formed between a man and a woman. "Man and woman" in this relationship have become "mom and dad", united by one single task: to raise children.

Both experienced incredible torment from this situation: she felt unloved, unnecessary, neglected. He was tormented by hatred and self-contempt for the fact that he had long been attached to another woman, that he could not leave a marriage that weighed on him, that he had betrayed his beloved, and now who had become a stranger to his wife.

Only the fact that each of them made very serious conclusions could save this couple from a final break. She realized that an intimate life, which they had not had for more than ten years, is an integral part of the couple's life. And no matter how wonderful a hostess, a wonderful mother and in all respects a wonderful woman she may be, if there is no sex in a couple, then there will be no couple. He realized that if there was no sex in the life of partners, this does not mean at all that she has fallen out of love with him and is not attracted to him. And that it is not at all necessary to “get” on the side, that you can talk about it and that you can even be heard.

I often hear complaints that intimate life has disappeared from relationships. And both a man and a woman can become (consciously or unconsciously) the one who initiates this.

Tportal.hr

Why is this happening? And why do people continue to stay together despite this?

Let's start with physiology. There is such a thing as the sexual constitution, which determines a person's need for the frequency of sexual contact. It comes from nature and cannot be changed.

If, for example, it is strong for one and weak for the other, then the couple has situations of tension when one of the partners needs more sexual contacts than the other. This difference may well be the cause of serious conflicts, and even parting, if it is not customary for the couple to discuss the difficulties that have arisen.

It often happens that a couple decides to start a family too early. This is not about the fact that they did not communicate much before the start of cohabitation or did not learn all the details of each other's biography. The point is that people have not figured out who their partner really is: what he loves, what he strives for, what is important to him in a relationship, why he needs a family, how he is used to getting out of conflicts.

This can be recognized when the symbiotic stage of the relationship (the stage of complete fusion) moves to the level of differentiation. That is, when each of the partners "returns" from the "love madness" to their usual life. This is how a person works: at the beginning of a relationship, his attention is completely absorbed by the object of adoration - he wants to always be there and not leave the bedroom for days. But over time, this stage ends and a period begins when partners see each other as real.

And then he finds out that she does not need sex so often, and she understands that he is not ready to spend a lot of time to please her. And they already have a child who needs attention ... Disappointment, insecurity and resentment can become companions of this relationship for years ...

"Why do I need a marriage?" The rarest of all possible questions that people who enter into a serious relationship ask themselves. Meanwhile, the answer to it would make many people think: will each of the partners be able to satisfy their own and the other's needs in this union?

After all, entering into marriage, people sometimes dream of the diametrically opposite. Someone wants children and grandchildren for their mother as soon as possible, someone needs the status of a family person, someone solves their financial issues in this way.

What will happen to a marriage where a woman's goal is to raise children, and men's goal is to find a permanent sexual partner?.. What will each of them do, trying to realize their desire? To what extent will their interests coincide? What will each of them do when the children are born?..

If a woman and a man build relationships where she takes care of him, makes decisions that should be made by a man, fully or partially assumes male functions, a relationship is formed in such a pair that excludes sexual relations.

From the point of view of psychology, such a woman and a man occupy unequal positions in marriage. In this case, she performs maternal functions, and he finds himself in a filial position. In such relationships, the likelihood of cheating is also very high.

When such manifestations of love as hugs, kisses, touches are not accepted in the parental family, or this topic is generally banned, the child growing up in this family considers this to be the norm of communication between a man and a woman.

Later, he carries parental attitudes into his adult intimate life. These attitudes are mostly irrational, dictated by parental fear, or negative experience, or the desire to control the child's behavior.

For boys, these attitudes may sound like this: “Decent girls don’t have sex”, “You only need to marry educated girls”, “If a woman enters into an extramarital affair, then she ...”, etc. For girls, their examples are: “Desire for a man is dirty and vulgar”, “If you enter into a relationship with a man, be prepared for the fact that he will despise you”, etc. Often such attitudes do not give a person a chance to build a warm, trusting relationship with a partner.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of couples in which there has been no intimate life for years. People live in marriage out of habit, afraid to change something in their lives, often because of their own uncertainty about what will be better. They often choose ways that will complicate rather than improve their situation: intrigues and romances on the side, violence against themselves, or ignoring their desires.

You should not think that if a person remains in such a relationship, then everything suits him. Usually, both a woman and a man cannot say that they feel satisfied, happy in such a union and would like to leave everything as it is. Sooner or later, such a couple will have to face a very serious crisis in the relationship.

It is important to remember that any relationship is a partnership first of all: the ability to negotiate, listen and hear, maintain equality. As well as the ability to maintain the boundaries of one's own personality and the boundaries of the partner's personality.

In each of the cases described, you can learn to live comfortably and get mutual pleasure from an intimate life. However, in order for this to happen, a desire is needed. both partners, mutual trust and time.